funny-quotes

In the course of my life I have often had to eat my words, and I must confess that I have always found it a wholesome diet.

There are two things that are more difficult than making an after-dinner speech: climbing a wall which is leaning toward you and kissing a girl who is leaning away from you.

I have never developed indigestion from eating my words.

I am certainly not one of those who need to be prodded. In fact, if anything, I am the prod.

Ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put.

Marriage: A word which should be pronounced "mirage".

A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

We made too many wrong mistakes.

Congratulations. I knew the record would stand until it was broken.

You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I'm not hungry enough to eat six.

You wouldn't have won if we'd beaten you.

I usually take a two-hour nap from one to four.

Never answer an anonymous letter.

It gets late early out here.

We have deep depth.

Pair up in threes.

Why buy good luggage, you only use it when you travel.

All pitchers are liars or crybabies.

He hits from both sides of the plate. He's amphibious.

It was impossible to get a conversation going, everybody was talking too much.

I don't know (if they were men or women fans running naked across the field). They had bags over their heads.

I'm not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia. Let them walk to school like I did.

I never blame myself when I'm not hitting. I just blame the bat and if it keeps up, I change bats. After all, if I know it isn't my fault that I'm not hitting, how can I get mad at myself?

I never said most of the things I said.

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