Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loath and despise the groups they identify or belong to.
I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.
I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
People are wonderful one at a time. Each one of them has an entire hologram of the universe somewhere within them.
People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.
Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.
There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It seems only right. 'Tom, I'd like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy.'
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
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