Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.
Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can't sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can't sleep with the window open.
No man ever believes that the Bible means what it says: He is always convinced that it says what he means.
Patriotism is, fundamentally, a conviction that a particular country is the best in the world because you were born in it.
Progress is impossible without change; and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.
The liar's punishment is, not in the least that he is not believed, but that he cannot believe anyone else.
The longer I live, the more I realize that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time!
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